Before this lazy hump day, Jean-Claude had never really been a part of my life. Sure, I'd seen Streetfighter out of sheer obligation, and even been secretly aroused by the shirtless meditations and golden underwear scenes in Bloodsport. Unfortunately, and I say that with at least a little sincerity, the man's work just couldn't stick for me.
With those memories fresh in my mind, I entered the world of Timecop. Now, I must say I was immediately taken aback by the fact that I was actually able to understand the words coming out of Jean-Claude's mouth. I understand most accents, but Van Damme's had always been a struggle for me, and I usually had to half read his lips previously as he stressed silent syllables and added a "u" after each utterance of the letter "o". Luckily, he must have taken an ESL course between 1989 and 1994, because I found myself enticed by the film even when it was clear that there would not be a roundhouse kick for the next five or ten minutes.
Of course, this movie needs to begin with a brief explanation of time travel, because it's something a bit too deep for most to understand. Luckily, they had some snooty fellow explain it to me in the most simple of terms ("You can't travel to the future, because it hasn't happened yet"). I wasn't really paying attention, because I was too busy trying to visualize Jeff Goldblum dressed completely in black giving his Jurrasic Park Chaos Theory speech, which I thought would have been much more appropriate, and probably would have had me breaking out in cries of joy.
Of course, this movie needs to begin with a brief explanation of time travel, because it's something a bit too deep for most to understand. Luckily, they had some snooty fellow explain it to me in the most simple of terms ("You can't travel to the future, because it hasn't happened yet"). I wasn't really paying attention, because I was too busy trying to visualize Jeff Goldblum dressed completely in black giving his Jurrasic Park Chaos Theory speech, which I thought would have been much more appropriate, and probably would have had me breaking out in cries of joy.
I was stirred from my daydream when I realized I was watching Jean Claude get violently attacked and not immediately arising to, in return, violently attack his assailant(s). This was a first for me. I was used to watching him jump right back, cheap shot or no. So, when he gets himself unconscious five minutes into the movie, I was a bit taken aback. How could he lose so early in the movie? We don't even get a great look at the thugs going after him-how could he exact his revenge and make them wish they had never been born?
There were no time for questions, only for holes in the plot. Jump (backwards) to 1929, where a man who clearly had just gone back in time moments before was recognized by everyone and had a job that would have taken someone years to be promoted to, or even buy his way into. Also, 1929 is apparently a time when people jumping out of windows to their death was not an action that warranted stopping your everyday life for. All that aside, I really still didn't understand time travel, and even if I had paid any sort of attention to that speech, I don't think it would have explained how a Belgian crime-fighter was just birthed by some sort of plasmic bubble into an office in 1929. But hey, I'm here for the senseless violence, not for coherence.
Luckily, senseless violence is what I get. But wait, laser guns? Why not some just some mixed martial arts badassery and tight pants? When a shootout starts in a movie and Clint Eastwood hasn't just been leering at someone for the past ten minutes of ocular close ups, I'm usually dissapointed. Timecop's gun battles were, as I could have easily imagined, fairly dissapointing. They all seemed to have a pleasant middle section of people getting guns kicked out of their hands or faces getting kicked out of their heads, but the kicking usually had to do with the disarming or arming of a person-no one was getting killed off by a well placed heel to the temple.
Of course, I was just as dissappointed by the design team and director (Peter Hyams), who made the mistake that anyone who makes a film set in the future makes-envisioning the world as completely absurd. Remembering that this is set ten years in the future, or 2004, I was happy to see that they hadn't thought to turn Washinton D.C. into the city of The Jetsons, but that was probably only because of a lack of budget. Certainly all cars in the 90's were ugly to a certain degree, but couldn't they at least hope for a brighter future, where cars had a shapelyness to them?
There was also the fact that they were voice-activated, meaning if you spoke at them with a heavy accent, they would quickly take you to your home or a Waffle Hut where large pale women will shower you with powdered sugar and Godiva chocolate. I'm very happy to say that with 2004 well behind us, we have yet to develop this technology, as its usefullness is very much in question.
Thankfully, when we look around 2004 a bit more, it doesn't seem so bad. Most things are the same, and even the sherriff from My Cousin Vinny decided to show up. From then on, things get a little strange, with various jumps back and forth through time, and the persistent warnings that the same matter cannot occupy the same place in time. Basically, all the various policemen and time travelling makes for some good old fasioned wise cracking. This kept me going throughout the rest of the film-without a little cop-cop/cop-bad guy humor, I probably would have just been confused and taken a mid-week nap. Instead, I paid attention enough so that I could pick up the story line a bit and figure out what in the name of all that is holy was going on.
I don't want to spoil anything for those of you who happen to have Fios as well, and will invariably see this at some point in you life, so I'll quit the story line in 2004, but know this-those who wronged him get their comeuppance. I viewed the entire movie, and I wouldn't even say I despised it. As much as I hate to admit it, it was a good Van Damme film, and you can take that to mean whatever you wish. Whether or not you actually watch it, I know we can all agree that there is a little something in that man that makes people want to stare, and that is something that Timecop is more than happy to let you do.
Luckily, senseless violence is what I get. But wait, laser guns? Why not some just some mixed martial arts badassery and tight pants? When a shootout starts in a movie and Clint Eastwood hasn't just been leering at someone for the past ten minutes of ocular close ups, I'm usually dissapointed. Timecop's gun battles were, as I could have easily imagined, fairly dissapointing. They all seemed to have a pleasant middle section of people getting guns kicked out of their hands or faces getting kicked out of their heads, but the kicking usually had to do with the disarming or arming of a person-no one was getting killed off by a well placed heel to the temple.
Of course, I was just as dissappointed by the design team and director (Peter Hyams), who made the mistake that anyone who makes a film set in the future makes-envisioning the world as completely absurd. Remembering that this is set ten years in the future, or 2004, I was happy to see that they hadn't thought to turn Washinton D.C. into the city of The Jetsons, but that was probably only because of a lack of budget. Certainly all cars in the 90's were ugly to a certain degree, but couldn't they at least hope for a brighter future, where cars had a shapelyness to them?
There was also the fact that they were voice-activated, meaning if you spoke at them with a heavy accent, they would quickly take you to your home or a Waffle Hut where large pale women will shower you with powdered sugar and Godiva chocolate. I'm very happy to say that with 2004 well behind us, we have yet to develop this technology, as its usefullness is very much in question.
Thankfully, when we look around 2004 a bit more, it doesn't seem so bad. Most things are the same, and even the sherriff from My Cousin Vinny decided to show up. From then on, things get a little strange, with various jumps back and forth through time, and the persistent warnings that the same matter cannot occupy the same place in time. Basically, all the various policemen and time travelling makes for some good old fasioned wise cracking. This kept me going throughout the rest of the film-without a little cop-cop/cop-bad guy humor, I probably would have just been confused and taken a mid-week nap. Instead, I paid attention enough so that I could pick up the story line a bit and figure out what in the name of all that is holy was going on.
I don't want to spoil anything for those of you who happen to have Fios as well, and will invariably see this at some point in you life, so I'll quit the story line in 2004, but know this-those who wronged him get their comeuppance. I viewed the entire movie, and I wouldn't even say I despised it. As much as I hate to admit it, it was a good Van Damme film, and you can take that to mean whatever you wish. Whether or not you actually watch it, I know we can all agree that there is a little something in that man that makes people want to stare, and that is something that Timecop is more than happy to let you do.
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